Why Am I Grieving Now?

By Ronald Pies, MD

Question:

My mother died when I was 8. Now I'm about to become a bride, but all I can think of is my mom. I can't stop crying. Why is this hitting me now?

Answer:

May 8, 2000 -- Probably because marriage is a time of both great joy and great risk, and your mother isn't there to help see you through the emotional ups and downs. Marriage, after all, represents a transition between being our parents'children and -- at least potentially -- becoming parents to our own children.Normally, the mother of the bride acts as a kind of emotional midwife, easing the passage of her daughter from one phase of life to another. Clearly, that real and symbolic support is not there for you.

It's also possible for a person who has lost a parent to experience delayed grief many years later. This may happen if the original loss was not fully worked through when it occurred. Some children, for example, are not given the opportunity to mourn the death of a parent, but rather are urged to put their sadness behind them as quickly as possible. This can lead to a delayed grief response later, when an event such as a wedding triggers feelings of loss.

While you may be experiencing a delayed grief reaction, the constant crying you mention does raise the question of a more serious bout with depression. A few studies suggest that the loss of a parent during childhood is a risk factor for depression later in life. For example, researchers at the University of Calgary, Alberta, writing in the December 1991 issue of the journal Canadian Journal of Psychiatry, found that women who lost their mothers before age 11 were at increased risk of depression as they got older.

If you are experiencing problems with sleep or appetite, difficulty concentrating, feelings of guilt or self-hatred, or loss of pleasure in most activities, it would be wise to see a mental health professional for an evaluation. If you have none of these symptoms, it may be that simply talking with your family doctor, clergyman, or even a trusted friend would be enough to help you get through this grief.

Ronald Pies, MD, is a clinical professor of psychiatry at Tufts University, and a lecturer on psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He is the author of A Consumer's Guide to Choosing the Right Psychotherapist and The Handbook of Essential Psychopharmacology. His newest book is Ethics of the Sages.

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